What Gives

How is it from one relationship to the next, no two are anywhere close to similar? Relationships vary so drastically from one to the other that I can't even seem to see a correlation between myself in one relationship to myself in the next. I feel as though I am a completely different person. Deep down I know that I am me, and no matter what, nothing will change who I am. My values and beliefs lie rooted firm within me, but there is something about each relationship that I feel I change somewhere within.

Perhaps it is that we all become a little wiser, a little more mature with each relationship that we go through and experience. Perhaps it is that each past relationship defines who we are and who we become in the future. Or maybe it is that with each passing relationship we are able to see what it is we like and what it is we dislike about the previous people/relationships/situations causing us to look for what it is we do like and do want in our next relationship and in the future.

Is dating really just an elimination process in the road to finding someone that we can see ourselves settling down with? By dating are we really finding what it is we want and don't want in our future spouses/significant others?

When it comes to relationships I cannot say I am the most experienced person out there. I was 18 when I had my first boyfriend and that lasted a solid 3 months. At 19 I had gone off to university and was dating someone who was a 5 hour car ride away. Not exactly the building blocks of a healthy relationship. Maybe it was that I was scared. Maybe I hid behind being in a relationship as a way to protect myself from possibly getting hurt. Or maybe it was a self-confidence issue. Maybe I just wasn't ready to be out in a co-ed environment with the chance to meet new people. Perhaps I was just naive.

Having only been in 2 previous relationships, it is needless to say that relationships baffle and confuse me. What is it about human nature that makes us crave that closeness and the comfort? How is it that relationships and the possibility of something new elicits butterflies in the stomach? What is it that makes us so flustered around the ones that we want? And how is that with each passing and new relationship we all of a sudden become a little wiser and a little more mature?

Is this all part of our life plans? Does each new relationship define what we want from new partners?

When it comes to dating... What gives?

To Drink... or Not?

A new year always brings about New Years Resolutions. And every year I am bound and determined to keep them. So far, this year has proven to be my best year for actually keeping a resolution. Yes, I know it is only the 16th of January... but without fail, every previous year I have broken at least one of my resolutions by now. Maybe I am just really bad at keeping promises to myself, or maybe it is that I without fail make resolutions that deep down I know I will not keep. Whatever it is, something has changed this year and I suddenly feel just a little more grown up.

This year I kept my resolutions as simple and straight forward as possible. Yes, they are cliche'd but perhaps you need to start off with something little and then work your way up.

1. Apply to other universities and actually get accepted (this would also require working alot harder than I normally do in ALL of my classes)
2. Workout every day
3. Eat healthy(er)
4. No booze

As much grief as I have been getting for not drinking, I am actually doing surprisingly well. Everyone who has heard that I am not drinking always tells me 'Oh, you'll never make it... you're gonna crack.', but so far I have had zero desire to consume even a sip of someone's drink.
Granted, the first week back at school was a tough one with all the partying that goes on. And the first night of dancing was definitely brutal. Who knew it was so hard to dance while dead sober?

Now that the first two weeks of school have passed and we're all back into our routines, I am actually having a good time. I thought that going out with all my friends while being the only sober person would be rough... if anything though, I am having just as much fun if not more, than while I was drinking. I still get to party with my friends and instead of feeling like crap as I seemingly do almost every Friday and Sunday mornings, I wake up refreshed and ready to start my day (Looking back at that line I think to myself... maybe this is good that I am not drinking). Needless to say, watching people get drunk turns out to be alot more fun than I thought it would be.

Now, we are two weeks into the New Year. Can I do it? Can I keep up my streak of keeping my promises to myself?
I'll keep you posted.

Destiny

Does anyone ever wonder if we are 'destined' for things? Are we meant to go to this University? Or, if we're not meant to go to this school, are we drawn here for some inexplicable reason? Are we meant to be with certain people? To be friends with certain people?

Some days I look back and think what my life would have been like if I hadn't gone to WLU. If I hadn't been on 2North of King St. What would my life be like? Would I know my friends?

It is moments like these when you have to wonder what it is that draws us or convinces us to attend certain schools or do specific things.
I could not tell you what it was that when making my decision on which University to attend made me choose Laurier. I wasn't particularly excited or enthralled by the school. If anything, my two dream schools of which I were both accepted somehow seemed like the incorrect decision and I don't know why. Having never visited Laurier before accepting my placement here, I wonder what it was that made me feel such a draw to this school.

Now that I have been here for two and a half years, I still don't feel particularly enthralled by this school. If anything I know that I would rather be at a larger institution. Maybe that is my big city girl coming out in me, I don't know. But one thing that I do know for certain... If I hadn't chosen Laurier there would have been something missing. Something would not have been right. For it is the people that I have met that have made my experience over the last two and a half years here as fantastic as it has been.

Getting To Be

Do you ever wonder if those you are close to have your best hopes, interests and happiness at heart? Do you ever wonder if those you think are your friends... really aren't? Do you ever wonder if your parents truly are proud of you? Do you ever feel as though no matter how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough? Welcome to my life.

After much thought and consideration, I've decided to start a blog. Reading the blogs of friends, I realized that this could be a great way to get some of these thoughts out and maybe... just maybe, get rid of some of the clutter up there.

There are some days when I think that all I am doing is trying to please my parents. Other days I know that I am doing everything possible to displease them. But really, all I have ever wanted is to make my parents happy. To see the look of disappointment on their faces is like a dagger through my heart. By trying so hard to make my parents happy, am I deterring myself from what truly makes me happy?
They constantly say that I should do what makes me happy, but what if what makes me happy is making them happy? What then? Being away at school certainly helps the situation by not being able to see the look of disappointment on their faces... Only to be replaced by the sound of disappointment in their voices when I talk to them on the phone.
Why can't I just accept that I will never be the perfect daughter that they had hoped for? Why can't they stop expecting anything less than a perfect daughter?Don't get me wrong, I love my parents dearly... but there are some days when I feel as though I can do nothing right in their eyes.
Why can't they just let up?

It's all getting to be just a little overwhelming for me.