Me Vs. a Raging Bull: Who will win?

WARNING: What you are about to read is the most random bunch of crap you will ever read.

Reading Week just ended and I had a sufficiently uneventful week. Granted, I went to a spa for a few days with my mom. Broke out in hives because apparently, APPARENTLY I am allergic to the entire Aveda line. Who's allergic to AVEDA?! Seriously! A bunch of you all got to go away for Reading Week. I'm not going to complain though because I had the chance to go and I chose not to. Why you ask? Because I'm an IDIOT. But, it's all okay because I get to go away at the end of April if I want to anyways... to BACARDI ISLAND BITCHES! I just have to get up the guts to say yes.

I feel like I have perma Writer's Block. I used to love writing blogs. I always felt good afterwards, it got things off my chest, it was 'therapeutic' you could say. But now? Now I feel like I have nothing to say. My life is boring and uneventful. To the point where on a Friday and Saturday night I was in bed and asleep by 10:30... over READING WEEK. What is WRONG with me?!

I got a new fish. King Triton passed away over Christmas Break... I'm not gonna lie, I was upset. I loved that fish. It was like a member of my one-person family. But I finally decided it was time to move on and get another one. His name is Mowgli. That's right. From the Jungle Book. He's a bright deep blue. He's supposed to be mine and Ryan's fish together. But we all know it's going to be just mine.


WARNING #2: I'm feeling pretty bitter and crabby today.


I am so ready to be done with school. I'm ready for the midterms to end. For the essays to go @#$! themselves. I'm also ready to quit my job. We all know I won't. But I wish I could.
I'm ready for summer as well. I'm tired of the damn snow. Of the cold. And feeling like I'm always cold.
I'm ready to say goodbye. I'm ready to stop feeling like the bad guy all the time. And I'm ready to stop having to justify my actions to everyone.

I feel like I need to break free. I need to get OUT of here. Kiss it all away and say see ya. But I won't. I never will. Because I always will do what people expect and want of me. I'll smile and nod and act like I'm okay with all of it. On the inside I'm raging and I'm facing a raging bull as well. Who's going to win?



I bet you 5 bucks it won't be me.

Bappity Bap Bap... Bap.

1) Being sick sucks. I am so high on Neo Citran and Tylenol Cold stuff right now. I just want my mom. Moms are always the best when you're sick. Why is that?

2) Working part-time and being a student full-time sucks. HARD. Looking at your grades after working too much is definitely a wake-up call. And yet... I can't stop working. I need to work to go to school. And I need to be in school in order to get a good job when I'm older. It's a vicious cycle. Either way, I need to cut back on the hours this semester.

3) Working over Christmas break sucks as well. I spent more time in Waterloo than I did at home over the break. That makes me sad. I miss my mom. Even though I just saw her like 6 days ago.

4) You know what's weird? Waking up on Christmas morning and feeling like there's somebody missing even though there really isn't... All the people who are normally there were, and yet it felt like he was missing. That's what I felt like on Christmas morning. Is that weird?

5) I haven't posted a blog in forever. I've been slacking, I know.

6) New Year's Eve I stayed in. It was perfect. Nice dinner. Movies. Watched the new year roll in... I'm old.

7) I am SOOOO ready to be done with school. I need a vacation. Okay, maybe I don't NEED one. But I want one damnit. I want to go lay on a beach, read, tan, and have lots of sex with my man.

8) It's weird. I got really close this summer with someone I thought was a friend. And now she barely speaks to me. I'm not sure what I did. I thought she was my friend, maybe I was wrong?

9) I got new black Uggs for Christmas. They are my most favourite thing since sliced bread. I have no idea how I ever lived without them until now.

10) I'm going to go take more Neo Citran and cold drugs. They make me feel good. :)

I want to cry so badly but I can't. I feel like a zombie.

This is all getting to be so much. I just keep hammering it all out.
I sit at my desk and just can't stop.

I just want to cry.
I just want to be held.

Nothing but Water in Sight

I can't remember ever being this stressed before.
That says alot for me. I'm a chronically stressed person.
School is weighing down on me.
The responsibility of work is breaking me.
Family obligations are calling to me.

I just need to keep treading water... But I'm scared the waves are going to crash down on me and the tide is going to pull me under.

I'm drowning and I don't have a lifeboat in sight.

A little bit of Drinking. A little bit of Eating. Alot of Loving.

It's amazing how every year we all become so self-involved. 'School is SO hard'. 'I'm so stressed'. 'My parents are bugging me'. Blah blah blah. What's even more amazing is how we all are able to sit back for at least one weekend a year and truly reflect on what it is we're thankful for.
In hindsight, it's all very sad and pretty disappointing to think that all of us have so much to be thankful for every day, and yet we all seem to forget it. We forget what it means to think about all that we have on our lives and how lucky we are. Think about it.

I know that for me, as with all of you, I have so much to be thankful for, even more than last year or the year before. The list just keeps growing.
So as a cue from my dear friend, here's what I'm thankful for:

1) That I have my parents who love me and are there for me.

2) For my Mom. She always knows when I'm having a bad day. When I need to be cheered up. And when I need to settle down. I love being able to sit and talk to her.

3) For my Dad. Despite everything that's happened in the past year he's still so positive. I've never had so much respect for my dad as I do now.

4) For all of my family. Two sets of Grandparents. Aunts and Uncles. Cousins. And the extended family who really isn't related to any of us at all, and yet always has a place in our homes. I'm sad I didn't get to see any of them this weekend, but I know I will soon enough. They say blood is thicker than water, but what about a sister from another mother? Best friends are just like sisters. Maybe even better.

5) That I have a guy who's just as crazy about me as I am about him. That he wants me around. That he makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the room. That I can be myself with him and not feel like I'm being judged. That his family consistently opens their doors to me and welcomes me into the family like I've been there this whole time. And that all of this is so much better than I ever could have dreamed.

6) That I'm getting an amazing education. Sure, there were frustrations. Switching of programs, and then switching of schools. But I finally feel like I belong where I am now. And it feels great.

7) All the pretty clothes I have. Not just that they're pretty, but that they keep me warm. And of course, make me feel like I look good.

8) That I have people who I can talk to. Vent to. Cry to. And also listen to.

9) Food. All the glorious food.

10) That Jaime and I are closer than ever before. That I get to see her more. And that I can be my silly self with her while Tony and Ryan roll their eyes at us.

11) And I'm thankful for all of you.


I didn't post alot of things that I'm also thankful for. Just the big things. Think about it. We all have alot to be thankful for. More so than we remember most days.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I Don't Quite Know... How to Say How I Feel.

This is all eating away at me. I laugh. Shrug it off. Say it doesn't matter. But it does. It always does. You used to be a confidante. My friend. Now I look at you and all I see is the anger, upset, disappointment. What you don't know is that I am looking back at you with those same eyes. The disappointment in knowing that you don't understand, and don't want to.

I feel betrayed...



... and so very alone.

Those who I thought were friends have turned and believed every word spoken and whispered about me... whether it is true or not. You were welcomed and now I am being shunned. In my own group of friends. I hadn't realized how much people were believing until last night. Until I was turned away from all of you.

What you don't know is how often I cry. Not just the silent tears in the darkness, but the body shaking sobs that make it so hard to breathe.
I know you cry. I've been told. Just like I've been told how often you talk to my friends about me... whisper about me... and tell people I don't try. You don't see my daily life anymore. That was a choice you made and I feel like I'm being punished for it.

What happened to our late-night conversations. Laugh until I think I'm going to pee my pants conversations. And our truth be told, I trust you conversations. I used to be able to lay there and forget everything else. I never thought that you would lose my trust. I never thought we would get to this point. But it looks like we're here and I don't know what to do.

I'm torn. And it hurts. The looks hurt. The secrets hurt. The whispers hurt.

You're not the only one who's hurting right now.



_____________________________________________________________

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Perspectives

1) Going home can make you realize alot of things. Like how much I actually miss hanging out with my mom. Or walking around Toronto with my parents for the day. I always miss home but I'm always so happy to come back.

2) Summer is over and Fall came faster than expected. But I love it. I love the crisp air, the feeling of a new year and new opportunities.

3) I'm so tired of feeling like the bad guy. I just don't care anymore. So watch me give up.

4) It's awesome having my best friend around more.

5) Afterschool sessions of food, shopping and letting out your frustrations are the best.

6) I just dont' care about the parties or the booze or the drama anymore. In fact, I prefer to just not be around it.

7) Working and being in school is taking it's toll on me. I'm tired and stressed out.

8) Midterms start next week. I'm screwed.